Wheelchair marriage is not luck, it's love - by Amanda Lyra

People often forget that a relationship is made of exchanges, regardless of the type of relationship. Marrying a woman in a wheelchair is certainly different from marrying a woman without a disability. She may or may not need numerous physical aids. As each case is different, I'll tell you my experience and I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

I've known my husband for over 15 years, we've been together for almost seven years and we've lived in the same house for a little longer than that. Our coexistence is very good, because our defects do not harm the other person and mainly because we give ourselves to the relationship. Even so, having a degenerative disease and being a wheelchair user, I have motor limitations that require physical strength to overcome. Yes, he helps me get up, put on certain clothes, put my shoes on, go to the bathroom, take a shower and there was a time when he had to live intensely a “nurse” routine. When I had an accident, he changed the diapers I used and had an immersion in the female world of blood, fur and pain.

One of the phrases I hear most about us is: “HOW ARE YOU LUCKY TO HAVE A HUSBAND LIKE THAT”. Of course, many men or women could have simply taken the cue from an accident and walked out of the relationship. I was lucky to meet a person of character who would never abandon anyone who could help, but the rest was not luck, it was love. And if love is not nourished, it doesn't grow, it doesn't mature and it goes away, as it happens with millions of couples.

Many people end up annulling the woman I am, due to my disability, as if luck were the factor that determines him to be by my side, as if one day he would wake up from a spell and see that “I give a lot of work”. What is a bigger brand bullshit, considering that he “chose me” knowing that I am a person with a disability, even though before the accident I was not a wheelchair user, I was born, grew up and had to adapt throughout my life with Spinal Muscular Atrophy ( AME 3) and see my muscle movements diminished and even lost along the way.

Every relationship is based on exchange. When someone does something, in a way, even if unconsciously, they expect something in return. Now, think about the magnitude of the power of a woman in a wheelchair who, even though she needs physical help so much, still offers her partner the counterpart that makes each difficult day worthwhile.

The wheelchair is not a seven-headed monster that swallows the horny, undermines empathy, zeroes patience or destroys trust. The lack of character yes, the neglect, the disrespect, and this is valid for any couple, regardless of color, sexual orientation or physical condition.

The secret of happiness (in this case, for two) is respect, love, compassion, an immense desire to leave the other person well, care, lust, desire to do things together, and being able to give and have your individual space (even if end up wanting to share this moment too). It's sometimes having to do things you wouldn't do if it weren't to see the other person happy, it's making choices thinking about the consequences for both sides, having your own jokes, it's lazy laughter, good sex, sincere friendship, companionship of soul. A wheelchair, blindness, deafness, crutches, prostheses or any kind of disability does not have the power to limit these things.

A woman in a wheelchair being married to someone nice isn't luck, it's luck that we bumped into each other in this life, the rest is the merit of both people who make it work.

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Amanda Lyra - Singer, songwriter, producer and presenter, wheelchair user and creator of the Solyra Project . Follow her on FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM .

Paloma Santos is an illustrator, wheelchair user and feminist. "In my work as an illustrator I try to represent female diversity". Follow her on INSTAGRAM and like her on FACEBOOK .